I happened upon this blog tonight, and was reminded of who I was a few years ago. Am I still this person? , i was blessed to bring another perfect and hilarious child into existence. So this is where I'm at in detail... read on with caution. (While I tell myself to divulge with caution. But this is a blog and no one really reads blogs any more anyway right?! right)
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2017/03/20/really-avoid-living-life-quiet-desperation/ For the past several months, I've been beating myself up over my insufferable ingratitude and self loathing for having the audacity to have a single complaint about my wonderfully blessed life. The world is on fire or underwater and im not a refugee or an immigrant and I'm just living a beautiful stay at home wife and mothers life in freaking perfect small town, USA. ((This blog was started because of our love for this area.)) So How can I be suffering from depression? No! It makes no sense and I hate myself...I have contemplated anxiety medication, or therapy, or a gluten free lifestyle and those things only bum me out even more. so far, the thing that has helped me the most has been this article about manliness and since my kid called me a man the other day, I'm owning it.
three things that are currently sucking my soul: and I'm not going to feel shame for admitting them.
1:Half day school is the death of me. Racing back and forth from the school isn't hard. It's like 10 minutes. But I ST. RU. GG. LE. Hate it. Buckling kids. Dumb. They keep bringing toys and taking off shoes. And socks and books and who gave them sunflower seeds? my car is trashed 25:7 I have a wonderful friend who helps me with carpool and without her I'm sure I would pull my kids out to home school just because I hate drop off and pick up so much.
2: my house is small. I love it with my whole heart but I can't play music when I have a few minutes. I get a window during Willows nap time. But she is the lightest sleeper and I have tried white noise machines and fans and nope she can't handle.so, no where to play indoors. After bedtime I've escaped to my disgusting van to sing to myself. I should clean it, but there's no time, it's music time. I feel like a crazy person. I used to do this when we lived in our townhome too. I took my banjo to the hillside and played till I felt like my own person again. Then came home. It's my medicine. The
3: Social media life comparison. I follow way too many touring musician types who are young and free and I forget that I'm not a 20 something and I AM actually living my age appropriate and awesome dream.
Three things I am most grateful for and could not dare to imagine my life without:
1:my town and more specifically, my kids school:
The dual immersion Spanish program, early morning orchestra, and robotics programs and the teachers and administrators and so many wonderful people surrounding my kids each day. we are truly blessed. Worth my frantic back and forths each day.
2:Today I started my music lessons back up. And I love it. I have missed them. I work 4 hours a week. And it doesn't feel like work. It kind of feels like a bit of a hassle for my family. They have to hide out downstairs. But I need the time/feelings/money/music And they love me so they can hang out in the basement Thats a total mess now and I will clean it tomorrow. Sigh... but I can teach here in my small house and I can play music hear when I schedule it into my life better. It is possible.
3: social media. I am so glad it exists. I get to share my goings on and be truly excited for others when they share. It's such an amazing thing to be connected and I hope to be more positively engaged in the lives of others and not feel threatened that their experiences are better or more rich than mine. Duh. That's dumb. But sometimes I forget this.
So back to this manly article
The solution to the endless, fruitless striving after that which doesn’t satisfy, Thoreau postulated, is to simplify your wants — to separate conveniences and comforts from necessities, and pare down to the fundamentals.
Music is a necessity in my life. It's not selfish. It's a must.
Also go for a walk.
